Morning gin

I'm entranced by Aldi and its new home in Ely. Ok, I've been in there once since it opened in March, but like the Archers on Radio 4 it's good to know it's there.

I find these words in The Guardian

• Described as having a "ripe, citrus aroma with rounded spice and a touch of juniper", Aldi's Oliver Cromwell London Dry Gin is distilled "for a clear, crisp, complex flavour".

It's ten to nine and I've just done the shopping, but £9.65 for a bottle of gin that's just won the Silver Award from the International Wine and Spirit Competition has to be worth investigating especially as the Lord Protector is a bit of a local hero in these parts.

Find the gin no problem and I also find Tanya, waiting for me on the till with her best ten to nine smile. The gin is the only thing I've bought. Tanya doesn't approve: I'm not offered a bag and the smile has gone. I slip a credit card into the terminal. "No credit cards," she says.

I fumble in my wallet for a joint account card, mainly because Moose Lady will be sharing my purchase with me. I wave the card. "The gin is for my wife," I say.

Now Tanya knows I'm lying, that I'm an alcoholic and that no-one buys gin at ten to nine in the morning without having a problem. "Enter pin," she says. I enter pin.

Other shoppers are now watching and I'm sweating. In a last attempt to regain some truth I say, "We're going to share it." There's a massed silence and I leave for the car park. On my way there, bagless, I try to conceal the gin from an elderly couple by stuffing it into my shirt. They look at each other, aghast that they're watching an alcoholic shoplifter in action.

Moral: buy online.